Morning vulnerabilities...

I woke up this morning to a beautiful post from a friend of mine who was sharing about how she's never thought of herself as a beautiful creation. She explains how she'd chill in the presence of "pretty girls" and think to herself "God I wish I was this pretty"
This broke my heart, moreso because as I was reading her post I was staring right in the face of my own insecurity.
It seems weird to me because this is a battle  I've long fought and gotten victory over. However here I am, on my bed with tears in my eyes and no esteem to even look past the "ugly duckling" in the mirror and notice the glorious spark in my eyes.

We may not all agree on this but the absence of a father in a girls life plays a major role in how one defines themself, well in my case it did and continues to do so.
I begin to imagine a different life, having grown up under a specific household and was grounded by a more wholesome manner of  "parenting". I imagine waking up every morning to a loud cheer from my dad pointing out that I'm a princess, I'm beautiful,  I'm enough, I'm accepted and I am God's best creation.
I imagine a life in a Godly family where the foundation of our truth is the Word of God and not society's norms.

On the flipside,  it's all good and well to imagine those things....but there is a reality that presents itself far more greater than the Word of God and His truth. A societal reality that has laid down a framework of what true beauty is. I look at all the specs and not even my eloquence qualifies me a seat amongst the hot girls and their clique.
No make up to cover up my spots, nor eyeliner to accentuate the colour and spark in my eyes; and even more daunting...no peruvian nor indian hair extensions to at least guarantee me a general pass to the party.

Does this mean that beauty will never be something that I can confidently note down in my Bio? After all these listings, I come to realise that I've listed a thread of lack and no appreciation for what God has provided. Perhaps I'm looking God straight in the face and saying "What you created is not enough, it's not pleasing... You, Creator of Heaven and Earth have made an error".

*sigh* This is a part of my identity that is still undergoing construction. I always think to myself "Even if 10 people say I'm pretty today then perhaps I'll be closer to believing it. If I comb out my hair then I'll be prettier than I was yesterday....oooorrr maybe if I say it often enough and convince people that I'm beautiful, they'll eventually follow suite and start to see me in that light". I've come to realise that in the struggle to be beautiful, my biggest mistake is actually thinking that beauty is something to be attained, confirmed or even realised.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. God created the concept and He alone has the audicity to say what is and what isn't beautiful. Beauty existed before the foundation of the earth was laid. Beauty is what you are. Beauty is and can only be defined by God.

....to be continued

Signed: Love Soldier Leeray :)