Mourning in waves...

Been nagging my accountability partner about my urge to write again, but I've not been finding time to do so because...adulting.
So many things constantly requiring all of me at different levels, and it's sometimes so draining.
Today I'm coming to you live from the treadmill because I figured I'd be too tired after this workout to even think.

Rejection, hurt, pain and abandonment! Gosh, I'm so tired of dealing with and through these in my life. I wish there were ways I could avoid (I've tried, and I'm still trying but failing hard) them. I've recently tried to make contact with my dad so that we can "work things out"; LOL by that I mean to meet up and be honest about how his absence made me feel and how it shaped my formative years. I hate that the memories of disappointment are more vivid than those of joy, love and affirmation when it comes to my dad. Listen, I love my dad, so much, but I've struggled with what it looks like to actively love and forgive him as he disappoints and rejects me. I'd imagine that's exactly how God operates, loving a people that constantly spit in His face and disregard His offering.
As if the issue with my dad wasn't enough, a few weeks ago one of my best friends sent me a "I think it's time we go our separate ways" text...My GOSH! The friendship had been going through A LOT in the past year and a half, but a break-up was not on the cards. I'd been waiting on her to respond to a text I sent 6 months ago to let me know whether she's in this or not, never did I imagine the latter being our reality.
I'm hurt in ways I've not even begun to explore. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with the deepest ache in my heart, gasping for air. I love this girl, so so much.

The past 8 years have literally been a journey of losing people I'd committed to doing life with forever. Some I've wronged, some who've wronged me, and the rest being shoved out of my life by death (mxm).
I've learnt, through those I've wronged, that you're often not given a chance to lay your story down and to reconcile with them. Sometimes all you'll ever have is the Altar to ask for forgiveness and not the ear of the one you've hurt. In recent months I've been able to word my concerns and reasons for leaving certain relationships, this being a few months and years later. You'd think my own flaws would help me understand why people choose to end relationships with me...zero!

My default for fading relationships is always to salvage the tiny crumbs and see how we can work at baking loaves upon loaves upon loaves again.

I'm on the bike now and my momentum is declining, cycling isn't for kids nor adults it seems. Anyway, the sting of rejection feels new every time. The confusion is heightened with every encounter, and my heart tattered and bruised anew.
Today I got to realize how hidden my heart is, how protected and fragile it's become. I'm no longer anchored in the true meaning of love because I've worn my heart out throughout the years
I was reminiscing about the girl (me) who met the Lord eight years ago, who vowed to love unconditionally.

That girl has allowed her love to be buried by the conditions that threaten, alter and bring her to the edge of doom.

Today, I'll end here. Today, I'm sitting here.