God in death..unedited
I actually just realized that I've been trying to write a post about my aunt since the day I heard of her passing (9 months ago). I just couldn't bring myself to scrabbling words together and saying how I felt about her death. One thing I know for sure is that I was actually never ready for the pain of losing her. The fact that she was okay when she walked out of her house and later in the day wheeled into a mortuary still baffles me and makes no sense. I've found myself thinking about her quite often these days because in 3 months time is the anniversary of her death and also my 27th birthday. A part of me really just wants to book a flight to Namibia for my birthday week and vanish from having to deal with the reality of the day. My birthday will not be the same for a while, I guess. In celebrating my life I also would be acknowledging the death of my beloved...what a thing!
Naturally, my melancholic mind has tried countless times to wrap itself around how to best get around the day and how to manage the emotions that come, BUT this time around my mind has failed to assure me of sanity on my birthday. I'm legit freaking out about my birthday, what will it actually look like??
All I'm managing to do at this point is go before God and tell Him that it hurts and that I need Him to hold me and do what He needs to do to my heart and soul.
I really do feel held, I can't explain it. The depth of me is comforted and embraced through the irkness of this season. I've also just been feeling a great sense of affirmation for my future and God's hand upon my life. I remember in the beginning of the year feeling like I'm carrying death around. Life seemed like an effort to go after so I just went for death. Death of dreams, death of purpose and death of hope. I feel like I'm at the cusp of change in my life, I don't really know what that is but my spirit is gearing up for change and for the first time in a while I'm sooooooooo excited at the thought of change being on the horizon. The season has awakened me to so many ills I'd allowed myself to operate under and seeing them exposed and being put to death is HARD but liberating! My soul feels like it's being cut by the truth of Who God is and the love that relentlessly invites me to the fullness of God Who gave it all on a Cross. The bareness and gruesome pursuit of love beckons my soul from the arms of shame and strongholds.
So the mystery and joy of life at the moment is that I'm going through the motions of mourning and celebrating life.
The day-to-day grace is just about the right portion for the season.
God, You.
Naturally, my melancholic mind has tried countless times to wrap itself around how to best get around the day and how to manage the emotions that come, BUT this time around my mind has failed to assure me of sanity on my birthday. I'm legit freaking out about my birthday, what will it actually look like??
All I'm managing to do at this point is go before God and tell Him that it hurts and that I need Him to hold me and do what He needs to do to my heart and soul.
I really do feel held, I can't explain it. The depth of me is comforted and embraced through the irkness of this season. I've also just been feeling a great sense of affirmation for my future and God's hand upon my life. I remember in the beginning of the year feeling like I'm carrying death around. Life seemed like an effort to go after so I just went for death. Death of dreams, death of purpose and death of hope. I feel like I'm at the cusp of change in my life, I don't really know what that is but my spirit is gearing up for change and for the first time in a while I'm sooooooooo excited at the thought of change being on the horizon. The season has awakened me to so many ills I'd allowed myself to operate under and seeing them exposed and being put to death is HARD but liberating! My soul feels like it's being cut by the truth of Who God is and the love that relentlessly invites me to the fullness of God Who gave it all on a Cross. The bareness and gruesome pursuit of love beckons my soul from the arms of shame and strongholds.
So the mystery and joy of life at the moment is that I'm going through the motions of mourning and celebrating life.
The day-to-day grace is just about the right portion for the season.
God, You.
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