My guilted God.
Dad: Hello my baby, I'm going to fetch you at 12 noon so we can go to Carnival City. Be ready neh?
Me: Yes Daddy. I will be.
Me: Yes Daddy. I will be.
Who knew that a memory from years back would still be as vivid as though it was just yesterday. I was about 10 going on 11 years of age. I waited, in the driveway until sunset to have my date with my dad. He had disappointed me prior to that but I believed that day would be different. The hope and trust of a kid is a force never to be tampered with because that is the very foundation they choose to base their beliefs on life. It's sacred.
Who knew that a few years later when I decided to give my heart to the Lord I'd be roping in the mechanisms of my childhood dysfunctions into this walk with the eternal Father. God was not intimidated though, my humanness didn't phase Him and this has been my saving grace.
God knew what He was getting Himself into when He invited me into companionship with Him and my oh my oh was it a bold move.
Who knew that a few years later when I decided to give my heart to the Lord I'd be roping in the mechanisms of my childhood dysfunctions into this walk with the eternal Father. God was not intimidated though, my humanness didn't phase Him and this has been my saving grace.
God knew what He was getting Himself into when He invited me into companionship with Him and my oh my oh was it a bold move.
It took me a bit of a while and some getting used to to start opening my mouth and voice out requests to God. I'd always been about the Gratitude, thanks for this that and everything in between. I'd like to believe that I was somewhat a good giver, always keen to bless but not really the type to accept blessings. So I dubbed myself the broken giver. Fast track to tonight (9th November '15) where I'm having a few conversations with some friends, myself and God, subject line "I don't think God wants to bless me with any of the things I've asked Him for".
I've been grappling, crying, moving between anger spells and fighting with the thought of being a mildly useless 25 year old. My birthday is coming up and all I want to do is skip the day so no one would notice how lowly I think of myself at the moment.
Sitting here in this bed, I make one last request "God may I please have ....." and alnost instantly I can see the eyes of my soul rolling back and forth as though I'd just cast another coin into a dead well. It is then that the impression of where I had based all my requests jumped up right in front of me and I could here God say "How long will you manipulate me into blessing you with the desires of your heart? I am not moved by guilt-laced requests".
This broke me. It still is breaking me. I have spent a decade trying to rectify what my earthly Father did by painting God with the same brush. The brush of heartache and disappointment. I now need to learn to earnestly ask God without creating an atmosphere of mistrust. I need to meet Him as one who won't leave me waiting in the driveway with no intention of coming. I need to view Him as one who wants the best for me whether I think so or not. I have to meet Him as one who doesn't subject Himself to my bullying tendencies and refines me with His love.
I have to strip down the face of my dad and see God for who He is. I have to unlearn this deception.
I've been grappling, crying, moving between anger spells and fighting with the thought of being a mildly useless 25 year old. My birthday is coming up and all I want to do is skip the day so no one would notice how lowly I think of myself at the moment.
Sitting here in this bed, I make one last request "God may I please have ....." and alnost instantly I can see the eyes of my soul rolling back and forth as though I'd just cast another coin into a dead well. It is then that the impression of where I had based all my requests jumped up right in front of me and I could here God say "How long will you manipulate me into blessing you with the desires of your heart? I am not moved by guilt-laced requests".
This broke me. It still is breaking me. I have spent a decade trying to rectify what my earthly Father did by painting God with the same brush. The brush of heartache and disappointment. I now need to learn to earnestly ask God without creating an atmosphere of mistrust. I need to meet Him as one who won't leave me waiting in the driveway with no intention of coming. I need to view Him as one who wants the best for me whether I think so or not. I have to meet Him as one who doesn't subject Himself to my bullying tendencies and refines me with His love.
I have to strip down the face of my dad and see God for who He is. I have to unlearn this deception.
This feels like the beginning of the end...grace and mercy shall be my transportation to the desired state of mind...
But my soul rests in knowing that I'm loved and wanted, fully.
But my soul rests in knowing that I'm loved and wanted, fully.
Comments
Post a Comment