I stumbled upon an old friend... Leeray is her name.
Nothing has shown me the wildest fires than 2014 mates.
I've been inking this post for the past 3 months lol, but there hasn't been much articulation on my end so it would always end in a pool of tears. Nothing in the world could've prepared me for the challenges that would attempt to cripple my faith, love and character *inserts dead beat face*. I don't even think I know how or where to start hmmmmm.
Going into 2014, I remember saying to Jesus 'this year, I'm not making any plans. I'm just going to wing it, so hit me up with some spontaneity'. *inserts loud cry and slaps self across the face*. Now why in the world would I do that??? This is the very same God that lit up burning bushes, parted seas and walked 3 men through a blazing fire without them getting burnt. How did I think He'd let this request slide and let me "move swiftly along the year". Anyway, it wasn't long into the year when my faith was laid on the table like a thanksgiving turkey that's ready to be feasted. The organisation I was working for was undergoing financial difficulties and I had no choice but to put my faith to test or at the very least pretend I trust this God I sing to, live for and walk with. So the job search kicked off, once again. Within 2 months of being out of action, financially, I scored a gig at a small company and found myself well settled in the boat of life.
Little did I know that shortly after that, I'd be faced with another 'faith tester' which turned out to be more of a reality check than anything. School turned around and kicked me in the hind and left me on the side of the road to find my way back home :(. Assuming that was the worst of the situation was probably the dumbest thing I could've done :-/. Never have I felt so worthless, uninteresting and simply stoooooopid. It's as though my skills, intelligence and knowledge had sunk with my marks. I decided to wind myself up into a tiny corner and not engage much on matters that changed, shook and hacked the world. I mean what opinion does an unqualified human like myself have and why in the world would anyone lend their ear to hear it?
How much of an idol was this school thing you ask? Well it seems I had identified myself with what I was able to offer and not necessarily who I am. School had afforded me a platform to engage in conversations and seminars that my naked self couldn't. This might be described as self-loathing because I clearly thought nothing of myself outside of the confines of my accounting degree. I wasn't smart without it. I lacked relevance without it. And most importantly what once looked like security had crumbled down like a sand castle washed up by the water.
This naturally trickled into relationships and how I related to people and myself. Taking me to the 3rd worst and best thing about 2014, which I'll hop onto at end of this post.
God didn't take time in pointing out this dysfunction and flawed perception of myself; and that ladies and gentlemen is how I got re-introduced to Lerato. You don't know how messed up you are until you're shown the mark and see how far off from it you have travelled. On a scale of east to west, I probably was about halfway to the east from the west. Thank God for travelling mercies and tollstops because it's at that one spot that I realised I needed to Get My Life!!
So much of how I related stemmed directly from the lack of confidence in myself. As a friend, you could've been dishing me crumbs all this while and I would've gladly accepted them and kissed you on the cheek for it. On the flipside, if you'd been digging up diamonds for me, I probably would've been so overwhelmed and unable to communicate my gratitude that it seemed like I was a careless heart carrier. The thing about meeting yourself is that you learn 3 very important things; that you have a bucket full of expectations, that the people in your life have expectations of you and that when you discover a trash can in your soul the only sensible thing to do is to throw it out and make sure it stays out.
I noticed something was different when certain things just wouldn't fly with God and I. When being a victim stopped being refuge for my lack of ownership and my heart making itself to my sleeve became a daily mandate, I couldn't help but question what I believed about myself, God and life. Needless to say, the first lesson I got from all of this was that I am a pretty useless human being, friend, daughter, sister and citizen without Jesus. I had relied so much on my own strength that I completely lost track of how the Holy Ghost could slot Himself into my daily life and activities.
If anything, I thank God that He didn't write me off when He had the chance to (clears throat, the way my life is set up the chance presents itself every 2 hours). I must be doing at least one thing right or at the very least be showing some potential for Him to believe that He can pull off some miracle and turn me into the perfect bride that He'll someday return for.
To defy the gravity of depression was by far, my greatest struggle of 2014. Never have I been confronted with the very reality of my soul, heart and lack of character all at one go and had to believe that 'this too shall pass'. I think I'm right to say that the most valuable thing to have in this life is a relationship with Jesus. The Ultimate Accepter. My hope is that what Jesus has done for me in the past few months, will be played out by yours truly in the upcoming season of my life.
This post will be followed by a breakdown of a few flaming lessons I'm walking away with and aspirations of the new season. But for now all you need to know is that I think I'm ready for the world to meet me :) *steps out of imaginary cave*
Love: The Love Soldier :)
I've been inking this post for the past 3 months lol, but there hasn't been much articulation on my end so it would always end in a pool of tears. Nothing in the world could've prepared me for the challenges that would attempt to cripple my faith, love and character *inserts dead beat face*. I don't even think I know how or where to start hmmmmm.
Going into 2014, I remember saying to Jesus 'this year, I'm not making any plans. I'm just going to wing it, so hit me up with some spontaneity'. *inserts loud cry and slaps self across the face*. Now why in the world would I do that??? This is the very same God that lit up burning bushes, parted seas and walked 3 men through a blazing fire without them getting burnt. How did I think He'd let this request slide and let me "move swiftly along the year". Anyway, it wasn't long into the year when my faith was laid on the table like a thanksgiving turkey that's ready to be feasted. The organisation I was working for was undergoing financial difficulties and I had no choice but to put my faith to test or at the very least pretend I trust this God I sing to, live for and walk with. So the job search kicked off, once again. Within 2 months of being out of action, financially, I scored a gig at a small company and found myself well settled in the boat of life.
Little did I know that shortly after that, I'd be faced with another 'faith tester' which turned out to be more of a reality check than anything. School turned around and kicked me in the hind and left me on the side of the road to find my way back home :(. Assuming that was the worst of the situation was probably the dumbest thing I could've done :-/. Never have I felt so worthless, uninteresting and simply stoooooopid. It's as though my skills, intelligence and knowledge had sunk with my marks. I decided to wind myself up into a tiny corner and not engage much on matters that changed, shook and hacked the world. I mean what opinion does an unqualified human like myself have and why in the world would anyone lend their ear to hear it?
How much of an idol was this school thing you ask? Well it seems I had identified myself with what I was able to offer and not necessarily who I am. School had afforded me a platform to engage in conversations and seminars that my naked self couldn't. This might be described as self-loathing because I clearly thought nothing of myself outside of the confines of my accounting degree. I wasn't smart without it. I lacked relevance without it. And most importantly what once looked like security had crumbled down like a sand castle washed up by the water.
This naturally trickled into relationships and how I related to people and myself. Taking me to the 3rd worst and best thing about 2014, which I'll hop onto at end of this post.
God didn't take time in pointing out this dysfunction and flawed perception of myself; and that ladies and gentlemen is how I got re-introduced to Lerato. You don't know how messed up you are until you're shown the mark and see how far off from it you have travelled. On a scale of east to west, I probably was about halfway to the east from the west. Thank God for travelling mercies and tollstops because it's at that one spot that I realised I needed to Get My Life!!
So much of how I related stemmed directly from the lack of confidence in myself. As a friend, you could've been dishing me crumbs all this while and I would've gladly accepted them and kissed you on the cheek for it. On the flipside, if you'd been digging up diamonds for me, I probably would've been so overwhelmed and unable to communicate my gratitude that it seemed like I was a careless heart carrier. The thing about meeting yourself is that you learn 3 very important things; that you have a bucket full of expectations, that the people in your life have expectations of you and that when you discover a trash can in your soul the only sensible thing to do is to throw it out and make sure it stays out.
I noticed something was different when certain things just wouldn't fly with God and I. When being a victim stopped being refuge for my lack of ownership and my heart making itself to my sleeve became a daily mandate, I couldn't help but question what I believed about myself, God and life. Needless to say, the first lesson I got from all of this was that I am a pretty useless human being, friend, daughter, sister and citizen without Jesus. I had relied so much on my own strength that I completely lost track of how the Holy Ghost could slot Himself into my daily life and activities.
If anything, I thank God that He didn't write me off when He had the chance to (clears throat, the way my life is set up the chance presents itself every 2 hours). I must be doing at least one thing right or at the very least be showing some potential for Him to believe that He can pull off some miracle and turn me into the perfect bride that He'll someday return for.
To defy the gravity of depression was by far, my greatest struggle of 2014. Never have I been confronted with the very reality of my soul, heart and lack of character all at one go and had to believe that 'this too shall pass'. I think I'm right to say that the most valuable thing to have in this life is a relationship with Jesus. The Ultimate Accepter. My hope is that what Jesus has done for me in the past few months, will be played out by yours truly in the upcoming season of my life.
This post will be followed by a breakdown of a few flaming lessons I'm walking away with and aspirations of the new season. But for now all you need to know is that I think I'm ready for the world to meet me :) *steps out of imaginary cave*
Love: The Love Soldier :)
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