Fight.

I couldn't wait to get back home and scribble these thoughts on my phone so I can share with y'all.
I'm a tad concerned that this post might be quite lengthy but please stick with me I'll make it worth your while....I hope *grins*

Where do I start!!!! Aaarggg this is the thing about meditating on a blog post for 3 weeks and not jotting down notes, you suddenly go blank. *sigh*
Anyway, the past few weeks have been quite revolutionary and tough. The bulk of this was purely based on choice.
For quite some time I'd chosen to give up on a lot with regards to my life and life did what it could do best in that situation.... it gave me the desire of my heart and became wack.
Ok let me not exaggerate, I won't necessarily say life had been wack but it sure didn't go out of its way to pull me back.
For me, giving up on life meant giving up on Jesus *gulp*...so I was slowly fading away and allowing myself to enjoy the bare minimum of my salvation.
I'd gotten so numb, so uninterested,  so boring and so hostile. Thank God for grace because the little that I exposed myself to allowed me to at least love, live, care and laugh a bit.

I finally decided to get out of this vicious dump of death and pursue help from one of my disciplers (I have about 10 just by the way) and literally vomited out my destructive life. She immediately sought God and began to pray and advised me on a few things to do and continued praying for me as I booked myself into Spiritual rehab.

Oh my gosh!!!! Life has not been the same since then.  I honestly don't think I was ready for what God was about to do. I broke out of agreement with death, literally, I renounced any conscious or subconscious decision I'd made to dwell in that place....and in that moment I felt alive again.
I felt bothered by my life,  I cried.....I CRIED, for the first time in a while I sat in His presence and cried. It was so liberating,  it felt like salvation all over again... it felt like a mighty rushing wind of love coming at me and lifting me up again. *happy deep sigh*

I felt like I was strong enough to look life in the face and say 'bring.it.on'. This feeling and state of mind does need to be  welcomed with precaution because it meant I was alive to all the good and bad things in my life....and trust me the bad things were really bad.
I'd become a borderline bad friend, daughter, sister, employee, citizen and overall human being. There was some serious panel beating that needed to happen here and I was ready :).

One of the things my discipler mentioned is that I had suffocated my life-tank into accepting that I can't be any of the things that I had dreamt of being...NOT even one *eyes out*. The reason for this is that I'm one of those super human beings who have the gift of governance; meaning that my talents, skills and abilities are pretty diverse. For instance,  I'm great with numbers,a soulful creative, a downright amazing actress,  an incredible leader, a meticulous administrator, a worthwhile project manager, a community developer,  a lover, confidant, and many more (there's really so much to this small-packaged dynamite).
Can you imagine all these talents not being used?? I'd say the world was at a loss, and the devil was totally OK with that.

I took a stand and decided to fight. Not fight for my dreams but to fight for me. My dreams are a part of who I am, they don't define me and that's probably one good revelation that came out from that horrible season....that I'm not defined by what I'm able to give.
Jeremiah 29:11 speaks of God's plans being to prosper us and not cause us harm, but I feel like this scripture has been so misquoted that it gives off a one dimensional view of prosperity as a Christian.  Prosperity encompasses all aspects of my life. And I've had to realise that each aspect is equally crucial to God.

So I'm sitting here declaring that I'm prosperous.  Without a car (which I really need *wails*), a house, a two-way vacation getaway ticket to Mauritius,  a husband to massage my feet after a long day and I am indeed prosperous without the realisation of my dreams....yet.
I'm prosperous because I'm chasing after the One thing that truly matters...the Kingdom. In it I shall find all my hearts desires.
I'm prosperous because after countless failed auditions, I'm deciding to go at it again and trust that at least one director won't be blind to the immense talent that resides in this here soul of mine :-/.
I'm prosperous because I'm learning to steward the little because when those big figures start flooding my bank account,  I'll need some serious faithfulness to use them as unto the Lord.
I'm prosperous because I'm reaffirmed that I'm great as I am. Purely me, with my heart, afro and great humour....imagine when I start thriving (equally) in my all my talents *collapses*. The world will not be the same.

Basically I'm prosperous because I've chosen to fight for what's truly mine, and that is the full knowledge and revelation of Who Christ is. And all these other things shall truly follow, honestly they'll follow because God is a God of His Word.

Here's to being like Jesus and doing great things as I go go along :)

Ps. I told you this post would be long.... :)

(Photo cred: tinypic.com)

Signed: Soldier Leeray :)