Cheers to being real

It's taken so long for me to post something and maybe you're thinking it's because I'm too busy to even adhere to my own blog, but the truth is that so much of life has happened that I dont even know which of these "happenings" to post. I fear that this might just be my most vulnerable post thus far, my most authentic body of words put together, but I'm willing to take the risk...
So beware, you've been warned..

About a month ago I was hospitalised for an apparent breakdown...this of course didn't come as a shock as I'd been literally watching myself fall deeper into my miserable life, a life that I'd managed to hide from everyone around me. But then the time came to speak out about this misery that had been consuming me...my loved one's weren't just gonna let this one slide... "SNAP, the secret just decided to let itself out and land me on a freaken hospital bed!!! How tragic.", I thought.
I remember the few weeks leading to the day I got hopsitalised, I had just been recapping on alot that has happened in my life and how some coping mechanisms had outlived their useful lives. So I ran out of excuses, out of work to pile up on my desk, out of people to entertain,out of dishes to cook and out of fake laughs to steer conversations about my life to a humurous summary... My spirit, heart and mind were all done, they had given up on me...they really just wanted me to be human again and stop being a darn machine.
So they all collapsed!!

You're probably asking what in the world could be thhhhaaaaat bad... Well quite a number of things hey, might even have to spend the rest of the year posting about them. But I'll mention a few of them, in a not so direct manner...hope you catch it.

Life or maybe God has a funny way of bringing us to a place of just being real, real with ourselves, with Him and even with those around us. So I gave up acting like I have it all together, and I crumbled at the feet of my Daddy and told Him how much I'm hurting, how much of a fool I felt like for ( once again) disrespecting my heart and placing it on the line to be trampled on and thrown back at me...well at least that's how I felt.
Hhhmmm the heart is such an amazing object, even though it's been slapped around by rejection one too many times, it still has the ability to love again, fully put itself out there as though it knows no hurt. And well mine is known very well for pulling those stunts.
But this time around I'm admitting to my foolishness, my lack of foresight, the hope that failed me time and time again, my stupidity. I'm admitting that even when I communicated strength and happiness, all I really wanted was to just break down and ask to be held.

*takes a break* this post is proving to be quite a tough one to jot down.  *wwwwwoooooossssaaaaa*
Ok I'm back...I did say I'm getting real.

I've flown through so many situations and been strong enough to withstand them. But today I'm weak, I'm hurt, I'm disheartened, I'm crushed and I really just wish I was in a different world. Moments of anger come up, where I really wish I had a punching bag and could let it all out.
The funny thing is I've healed before, I forgiven countless of times before, I've let go of confusing scenarios without a struggle, but right now I just feel like there is an injustice that needs to be addressed and I played a big part in letting it happen...I just simply allowed myself to become a victim.

I'm at a place where I want the truth (The Word) of God to manifest in my heart and become a conviction, not just words I read. I want God to push me to a better place, literally... I want Him to grant me all the grace I need to bury this undefined matter. I'm done with trying to do it alone, it takes more effort to play mini-Jesus.

So in summary, all is not well in this soldier's battlefield, but all will resume to its perfect order after God has blown His wind my direction.

Cheers to being real :-)