Bitter scandal of my heart

I recently got my hands on the amazing drama-series called “Scandal” or rather “The Fixer” as known to South Africans. The thrill!! I had been hearing everyone ranting and raving about this particular show and to my amazement it was worth every inch of salutation it had received. After watching this series I knew without a doubt that my life had been changed…for the better.

This might even sound a tad dramatic but trust me; it’s worth every bit of exaggeration that I’m about to lay out so stick with me fellas. I don’t aim to drag this post and so I’ll make sure I get straight to the point without revealing much about the series for those who haven’t yet watched it. I would like to focus this post on Olivia Pope specifically (obvious).

My initial perception of this woman was that she is a complete super-heroine, unshakable, unbreakable, untouched…a female version of our very own Chuck Norris (a sterring). Olivia could, can and will turn everything she lays her hands on to gold. For a few episodes I felt like I was an Olivia Pope of my time, it just made sense in my head.
But I dug deeper into her story, her flaws, her regrets, her decisions, her fears, her insecurities and suddenly I found myself digging deeper into my very own life story. Scandal started becoming a fortune-cookie that explained every emotion and  complication in my life. I had suddenly become Olivia. I wondered what it was about her that made me feel so connected, so desperate to fix the world’s problems and compelled me to dive deeper into this series…It was CRAZY!!

I felt crazy.

As the end of season 2 drew near, I could sense an overwhelming wave of introspection coming my way. I could no longer resist nor ignore it, my evening drug had finished and I had no other choice but to confront some of the issues that Olivia had sparked up in my heart.

The one thing that stood out for me was how she was able to totally disregard her heart’s desires and solely focus on the mission, fixing everyone’s problems. It was only the walls of her penthouse that were exposed to her rawness, her tears, her vulnerability, her loneliness and the secret conversations she’d have with her “lover”. I started thinking about how a lot of my life unfolds in the same way, well most of the time. I wake up, put on my armour of heroines and leave all my troubles on the side of my bed. I’m genuinely a very blissful individual, so I’ve learnt how to deal with my low moments in life…just smile and attend to them when you get back home.

I was confronted with the flawed Leeray, who herself needed fixing but was too engrossed in everything happening around her that she felt ashamed to even ask for help. I wondered how I even got here; had life gotten so hectic and unstoppable to the point where I could not even press a pause button?  As the days went by, the emotions piled up and I found myself at the feet of my Lover crying out for help, crying out to be fixed. I didn’t recognise who I had become. It broke my heart that the one thing that mattered so much to me had suddenly become last priority. I reflected on bits and pieces of the past few months and realised that I lost it somewhere, I gave up something so precious and wasn’t even aware of it…I’d lost the ability to love. I recalled so many moments in the past few months where I missed out on loving people, on spending time with them, on being patient with them, on giving them a hug no matter how awkward it would be, on starting a conversation and not being concerned with how the rest of it would flow…but mostly what broke my heart were the acts I had so freely dished out in the absence of my conviction to love. I could deal with the things I failed to do in order to show people how much I loved them, I could fix them by simply creating those moments we never partook in. However on the other hand my heart could not deal with the awful scenarios that kept playing in my head where I had intentionally chose to hurt another. Like Olivia, I was confronted by a series, infact an inventory count of bad decisions I had made and no amount of apologizing, gifts, re-lived moments and displayed regret could erase what my actions, words, revenge-provoked jokes and selfishness had created in the hearts of those I’d hurt. You need to understand something about me, I think very highly of myself and I also believe that I seldom make mistakes so such a realisation crushed every bit of confidence I had in myself.

I travelled back to an audio I had archived in which I’d basically made a vow to love those around me unconditionally, limitlessly, relentlessly, and even went to extent of saying that I’d love over and over and over again for as long love was poured out to me by my Heavenly Father (the revelation was inspired by a movie I had watched named “If only”). I didn’t want anyone that I loved to ever go to Heaven without the knowledge of my love for them, I desired for my loved ones to live every moment with me knowing how infinite my love for them was. It’s funny how all that came to ashes in a matter of months.

In simple terms I came face-to-face with the deepest scandal of my heart and I had no other option but to get back to the basic purpose of my existence…to love.

I may never get the chance to make amends with those I’ve failed to love but this post is for you, you and you. Sorry for placing my comfort over your encounter with the very heart of Jesus, for not being the best vessel of His Word in those times, for allowing selfishness to rule over my heart and mostly for not allowing you to experience the full measure of my love for you.

For all those who still have a chance at loving those around them (including myself), do so without a care in the world. Call a friend, initiate a chat with an old mate, hug someone, buy someone a spontaneous gift, encourage those who so dearly need it. Go out and love on people, you'll never know when your last encounter with that person will be. Life is too short for us to reserve the burning desire in our hearts to be the Christ-following lovers that we were created to be. The extent to which you have been loved will be the extent to with which you will love others, so make sure you are constantly drinking from the source of love Himself…Jesus.

1 John 4:18 "For there is no fear in love but perfect love casts out all fear"

Signed: Love soldier Leeray...a better loving Leeray